***Marriage is not a milestone, it is relationship specific.***
In my practice I have encountered women who (prior to our sessions *smile*) viewed marriage as a milestone and were experiencing a significant amount of stress and anxiety because they had not ‘checked’ this accomplishment off of their list. These women were accustomed to setting goals and achieving them which was evident by their historical markers, the various success they had throughout their lives in different arenas. The stress and pressure came from various sources: friends, family, society and the internal dialogue in which they somehow felt, they were ‘not good enough’ because they were not married yet.
***Marriage is not a milestone, it is relationship specific.***
When a woman views marriage as a milestone or a checklist item she may begin to make compromises in order to meet her self-imposed deadlines. If she planned to be married by 30 and is 29 she may attempt to fast track or make it work with whomever she is dating at the time regardless of compatibility or the quality of the relationship. She may revisit old loves or boyfriends in attempts to rekindle something, not because of adoration, but instead to meet a goal. She may accept a courtship from a man because on paper they are quite compatible despite the fact in person there is no spark, fun, passion or other qualities or experiences she really desires.
***Marriage is not a milestone, it is relationship specific***
If your goal is to just be married, then the approach highlighted above will work for you. However, at Love Grows, we are proponents of marriage being relationship specific, for a couple to decide to marry each other based on:
- THEIR unique tailored relationship
- the QUALITY of THEIR relationship
- the fact they BOTH want to enter into marriage with EACH OTHER at this particular time (no guilt, no pressure, no ticking clocks)
Your worth and value is not determined by marriage. You are not less than because you are not married, divorced, widowed or may not desire to be married.
Marriage is not a milestone, it is not a checklist item. Instead, marriage is relationship specific and the much of the success of a marriage is directly tied to the emotional well-being of the two individuals involved and the friendship cultivated prior to and throughout the relationship. When one marries to fulfill a ‘checkbox’ the relationship oftentimes is filled with a great deal of stress, drama, disappointment and resentment because the marriage was not relationship specific. Therefore a significant amount of time is spent trying to make the person into what and who you truly desired because you were not patient enough to meet this individual or to do the personal growth needed in order to attract this particular type of partner.
***Marriage is not a milestone, it is relationship specific***
There are many roads leading to healthy, beautiful relationships that transition into marriage (if marriage is the desired outcome for both parties) and there are also individuals who are in healthy, loving, monogamous, committed relationships who opt not to marry (for whatever reason). Although there are some who meet their big love in high school or college, there is more than one route to love therefore do not fret. Love can appear at any moment.
- Be gentle with yourself.
- Discard any unloving, unsupportive beliefs in your mind that says you are not good enough or something is wrong with you because you are not married (obtain a therapist to help if needed).
- Create new beliefs and include “marriage is not a milestone, it is relationship specific.”
- Spend time and energy creating a friendship before moving into a romantic space.
We are here to help. Contact us today (info@lovegrows.us). – Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS