The Purpose of Relationships

Relationships are beautiful opportunities to learn more about self. However, some people erroneously believe relationships are meant to save, fix, improve and/or change who they fundamentally are OR believe it is their job to change, save, fix and/or improve another. It is quite egotistical and unkind when you enter into a relationship with the intention of changing someone because what you are implying is

“I do not think you are good enough just as you are AND I KNOW better for you.”

Wow! 

Interacting with other humans in all relationship dynamics but especially within a romantic space introduces us to many different dynamics. Both parties learn a great deal through communication styles, energy exchanges, the way they navigate areas where agreement and perspectives differ. Do they implore the 3Cs (condemn, convert, convince) as a strategy within their relationship? Do they expand or constrict each other?

It is through these experiences, regardless of the duration of the relationship, where we discover (if we are open and aware) the intangible things that are required or prohibited within our relationships. These intangibles have the ability to set a new bar or baseline as we continue along our journey. 

As for me, I have had the pleasure of having 3 big loves in my life and big love #3 is where I experienced the beauty and liberation of what it is like when someone does NOT try to micromanage me or my femininity. I do not know if people are aware of all the ways humans try to micromanage, silence, and/or control each other: 

• Perhaps some of you avoid certain topics, remain quiet, etc because you do not want to ‘deal’ with your partner’s reaction. 
• Maybe you haven’t proceeded with what you really want to do with your hair (grow natural, wear weave, cut it all off, color it, etc.) because of your partner’s preference. 
• Maybe you avoid red lipstick because of the hang ups or associations your S/O has with the color or this color against your skin hue. 
• Maybe you stopped dancing because your S/O does not or cannot dance. 
• Maybe you avoid participating in conversations 
• Stopped being active in your various groups, committees, causes

A beautiful bond, energy and experience is co-created when both parties are free to show up and are accepted for exactly who they are.

It is in this space where I was able to fully expand my wings and discover how massive and beautiful they are. In this space he loves me just as I am and I him. In this space we have the ability to have honest, vulnerable, transparent conversations and listen…really hear each other and neither of us utilize the 3 Cs. There was one conversation we had where we just shared our perspective on an experience from our past and it was transformational to just listen…no defense mechanisms…no 3Cs…no blaming. Only heart space listening. This skill is one of the best gifts I received from this relationship. 

Once you experience how it feels to fully expand your wings, you cannot go back. You can no longer keep them folded or allow someone to clip them.

When you experienced what it feels like to soar, no one can convince you of the dangers or how scary flying can be, YOU have your OWN experiences with flight and know differently. You now have a new realm to live and explore and can choose between the sky, water and the ground, finding beauty in all. However, never again will you allow someone to keep you confined (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially) to a small space. When you discover your wings, although they are beautiful, purposeful and strong you also know and appreciate the times when YOU CHOOSE to fold them and those who REALLY accept you will still see the stunning beauty at these moments as well. 

This is the beauty of relationships, the power to discover more of who we are and to experience life together. Do not miss the lessons, message and/or tools because of the ‘teacher.’ Change your perspective. There is a purpose why paths cross when they do.

Be Present. 
Be Open. 
Observe with your heart.
Listen with your heart.
Speak from your heart. 
Love Grows in many forms.  
 

Orgasms Do Not Heal Emotional Wounds

Lawrence. Lawrence. Lawrence. How is your heart sir? Is the vagina therapy working? Since ending your relationship (2 weeks ago *insert sarcasm here) there have been 3 vaginas on your penis and in your mouth. Wait, actually 4 because there was the 7 stroke session with Issa on the sofa when you went to collect your mail.

*sigh*

Many of you know me as Misha, the Founder and Owner of Love Grows: The Relationship Consultants but there is another hat I wear as well. I am a public health scientist with a research focus on African American women and sexual health. So the public health scientist in me was cringing during this episode. Unhealed emotional wounds color our perspective and the unwillingness to allow our heart to feel the pain and take healthy steps to heal it (i.e. therapy) results in making decisions that exacerbate your emotional wounds. Resulting in more work and time needed to heal.

Although we do not know the exact time line between the Issa break up, Tasha break up and the two randoms at the grocery store the risk taking behavior at both the emotional and physical level is quite apparent. None of these parties had a basic conversation about health status.

• Did Issa and Daniel use a condom?
• Did Issa and Lawerence have any type of sexual contact post Daniel?
• Did Lawerence and Tasha use condoms?
• Lawrence and Isaa?
• Lawrence and Tasha?
• Lawrence and the two randoms?

Even if condoms were used there is still step, mono and herpes which are contracted either: skin to skin, mouth to genital, mouth to mouth, etc. Let’s go back to Lawrence. I was speaking to a friend and she posed the question,

‘Is this who Lawrence has always been or is this his coping strategy albeit extremely high risk?’

This is a great question. I welcome feedback from men; however, it seems men would be extremely wary of vagina offered so freely. [*Correction* Perhaps the distinction is that emotionally mature and aware men would be wary]. Is this what is going on in the streets? Are men accepting random vaginas just because it is offered? Do any of the following thoughts enter into the minds of men who engage in this behavior:

• Surely, this is not her/their first time offering vagina to a complete stranger.
• How many times and men have they done this with?
• Is this a potential set up?
• If they are this comfortable doing this, what else are they into?
• What is the end game?
• Why am I willing to risk my safety and health on this/these women?

Even if Lawrence had these thoughts his ego, emotional wounds and/or his penis made the final decision and next we see Lawrence in the house with two women who had absolutely no hesitation bringing a complete stranger into their place of residence. NOTE: Norms vary and there are those who engage in high risk, dangerous, unhealthy behaviors as their norm. You cannot depend on another to establish your boundaries and norms. Due to his lack of boundaries, he willingly entered into their world where they made the rules.

After placing his unprotected penis, tongue and mouth into the orifices of two complete strangers whom he randomly met at the grocery store we see him sitting outside of Issa’s apartment. My heart sank as I was yelling at the screen…Nah! Drive on homie! Drive on! Because we all know what would’ve have most likely happened if he went inside because Issa still very much loves him and wants to get back together.

• Would Lawrence have told Issa he just came from a threesome with 2 strangers?
• Would Issa tell Lawrence about the neighbor?
• Would Lawrence tell Issa about Tasha and what transpired?
• Would they have finally had an open, transparent, vulnerable conversation placing EVERYTHING on the table including all the bodies racked up since their breakup?
• Would they go to therapy?

Unfortunately, we can all say with 95% confidence NO to each of those questions. Instead, he would have entered the apartment, there would have been no discussion, the spark of their 5 year relationship would have been reignited and they would have had unprotected sex. It would have probably been the most enjoyable, passionate session they ever had with each other; but it would have also been the most risky. After the orgasm, then what? Orgasms do not heal emotional wounds. – Misha N. Granado,