Dating To Do List: Single Ladies' Edition

Women, when it comes to relationships are you making it more complicated than it needs to be? Are you spending a great amount of time and energy trying to analyze his behavior (or lack thereof)? Are you spending hours facilitating and drawing intricate maps on the dry erase board with your girlfriends trying to decipher and break down his actions.

• Perhaps he was wounded in childhood.
• Maybe his heart was broken during his teenage years and he has never learned how to trust or love again.
• He did mention being busy at work, maybe he is stressed at the job and is just too tired to respond or contact me.

OR going through bottles of wine with your girlfriends questioning who you are and/or your behavior:

• Did I offend him?
• Am I too….glam, loud, quiet, #creative, ambitious, picky, demanding, opinionated, popular…
• Did I come on too strong or not strong enough?
• Perchance he is intimidated by me and/or my #success.
• Do I need to pursue him, really put myself out there and let him know I am interested?

DROP THE DRY ERASE MARKERS AND BACK AWAY FROM THE BOARD! PUT THE BOTTLE AND GLASSES OF WINE DOWN! STOP HOLDING YOUR GIRLFRIENDS HOSTAGE WITH YOUR INCESSANT ANALYSIS OF HIM!

Men are not that complicated. If he is interested you will not have a doubt. He will make his intentions very clear. Regardless of his childhood wounds, broken heart in middle school, demands of his career HE WILL CALL YOU AND PLAN DATES IF AND ONLY IF he is truly interested. Men do not play hard to get. Men do not need to be convinced. If he is intrigued, his words AND behaviors will clearly convey this to you.

You are NOT at the mercy of him and his interest. You do not need closure, a summary report or a debriefing call as to why he is not interested or why he disappeared or why he is ignoring your calls/texts/emails, etc. His behavior or lack thereof is clearly communicating everything you need to know. The why is not important, only the what and the what is that he is not interested….who cares about the reason.

Give thanks that he did not try to ‘sell a dream to you.’

You have the authority to make the decisions in your life, if you are not having the type of experience you desire in the romantic space, then walk away.

He is not your guy and that is okay. Free up the space which creates room for the man who WANTS to chat with you, WANTS to spend time with you and schedules dates to ensure this happens. Free up space for the man who LIKES who you are just as you are and thinks you are dope! Go where you are celebrated. – Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS 

Misha's Minute: Dating Differently

Love Grows Dating Tip - The 'butterflies in the tummy' feeling is super sweet but NOT enough to ensure a healthy relationship. I encourage you to turn off the television, disconnect from your gadgets and begin observing and having real #conversations with the person you are dating.

💥Observe💥

• What are the norms, communication style, power dynamics, etc of their family?
• How do the members of their family use their voice (kind, respectful, combative, accusatory, disrespectful, rude, loving, etc)?
• Does your S/O have a voice in their family and if so, how do they  use it?
• What are the boundaries and are you comfortable with them?

If they have not established healthy boundaries between self and their family, this individual is not capable of:

1. supporting the boundaries you are trying to establish with their family nor are they able
2. to provide a unified front as it pertains to their family.

This results in the outside person (you) having to 'defend' yourself with their family, causing resentment, anger, and tension in your romantic space.

Normal does not equate healthy. Begin having real conversations today. - Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS 

Misha's Minute: Your Voice and Time

Date Night: As he and I were sipping yummy craft cocktails at a cool hidden bar in the city (a real speakeasy type of vibe), I noticed this cute couple seated next to us. The guy's head was bent, on his gadget texting away while she sat awaiting to be acknowledged. He had barely touched his drink and she had almost finished hers.

The beau and I continued to chat, laugh, flirt and after some time I glanced over at the couple and their position was the same. Her body language and sighs indicated she was not having a good time. She was totally being ignored.

So I struck up a conversation with her. She turned towards us and seemed so happy to have someone to chat with. She was so talkative! We spoke about cultures, expectations, my upcoming Indian wedding, etc. I asked what she did and told her what I did and her face lit up. She said, "Wow! I need to come see you." The gentleman remained on his gadget the entire time.

Time is the MOST precious resource you have, one you never get back. #Life is not guaranteed. We do not know when our last day will be; yet many of us spend this resource so frivolously.

💥We sit in silence across from people who do not see us.

💥We beg for people to spend time with us, people who do not want us.

💥 We share vulnerable aspects of ourselves with people who do not hear us.

💥 We spend time either trying to change another or with people who try to change us because they do not think we are good enough.

💥 We spend time stuck in our heads, reliving the past.

Use your voice. Ask for what you want/need. Be willing to walk away if you are not getting it. Invest your time and resources wisely. - Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS 

Misha's Minute: Pace | Space & Emotional Health

Healthy WE spaces require  both individuals have a healthy ME space. Oftentimes people have very specific timelines and benchmarks for romantic relationships. HOWEVER, healthy, successful relationships require a few key elements:

• SPACE

• PACE

• EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

💥Space:

Are we in the same space, meaning do we want the same thing with EACH other? An example of NOT being in the same space is... one person desires a monogamous, committed relationship moving towards marriage and babies and the other desires a casual dating space.

💥Pace:

Do you desire the same things but on drastically different timelines? Person A: Babies within a year | Person B: Babies in 5 years.

💥Emotional Health:

Have both parties done their work? Have you healed your emotional wounds? Made your emotional health and well being a priority? Are you both connoisseurs of self, meaning you are responsible & accountable for your behavior, energy, you practice the art of communication, you know what expands and constricts your highest good? You aren't looking for a partner to heal, save or fix you nor for someone to complete you because you KNOW two healthy whole people make a healthy relationship.

There are other factors to consider but these are a few major ones. For example if Person A is a marathon runner and Person B is just beginning their fitness journey, they are not in the same SPACE or moving at the same PACE. Frustration, anger, resentment, feeling pressure or not 'good enough' results if:

🚫Person A tries to (1) fast tract Person B, (2) stops or slows down waiting for B to catch up, which results in A not operating at optimal level/growing.

🚫Person B  did not choose to become a marathon runner, doesn't have the skills, stamina, etc to keep up. Resulting in feeling pressure to meet Person's A expectations.

Pace, space and emotional health a few of the things we address at Love Grows. Schedule a session today. - Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS